The path to increased awareness started for me in 2004. I had been on the edge for so long that I tried to take my own life. You have to understand that when you find yourself in such a chaotic state of mind, when you decide to commit suicide it suddenly gets very quiet, and calm. I can still from time to time remember the peace that I found when I made that decision.
no-man’s land

Your choice!
When I finally realised that that was not the way to deal with depression, I found myself in a sort of no-man’s land, a void where I could not see any way forward. In the first instance, I threw myself into work because it was the only place I had success and control. In exchange, I was depressed in my free time while I was waiting to see a psychiatrist. It was during this time that my brother mentioned taking up running as a possible solution. Something rang a bell inside me when I heard this suggestion because suicide is an attempt to escape. You feel like running screaming away from your life, and from yourself. With running, I suddenly saw the opportunity to do just that. However, I would naturally choose a route that would bring me back home again.
antidepressants
I was given antidepressants to help me sleep. And after ½ a year I finally got to see a psychiatrist, who also was a cognitive therapist. The first thing that she taught me was to take a bird’s eye view of my inner chaos. I learnt to analyse the situation and to separate things out into thoughts, feelings, body and behaviour. And I learnt to question the absolutes. Like, is it really true that I am a terrible mother? Am I sure that it wasn’t just today that I couldn’t find the right resources and energy reserves? And that I can try again tomorrow? That strategy is one that my partner and I still use a lot when the stupid thoughts start building up.
I made the decision to stop taking the pills when I started in therapy. I had a guilty conscience over taking them. I felt out of sorts and I didn’t want to refrain from beer or sex. However, during my recent difficult depression I decided to take the pills again. Because during this that time I could run 18 km during one run and still not feel better. And I could see that I had neither the time, nor the physique to be able to run until I felt better. The psychiatrist has been great at allowing me to accept the pills, and she gave me some advice: Don’t read the side effects. She just told me about them, and I have since happily forgotten what they were.
talk talk talk
What works for you and your family?